This isn't new. They've been over the top in their need to find out about my day and how I'm doing for a long time. It's possible that I didn't notice how bad it had become because I wasn't visiting Starbucks every day. I was only the occasional drive thru customer and while I found it slightly irritating, it was something I could live with. But now I find myself a regular customer. And whether a gradual evolution on their part or a sudden, stark realization on my part, Starbucks employees' single white female-esque prying is starting to piss me off.
I believe the turning point came two days ago. I pulled in and the female voice in the speaker offered her name, a welcome to their gleeful village, a pumpkin spice latte and a yummy blueberry breakfast muffin. I quickly declined (nicely) and ordered my standard: Grande-Decaf-Nonfat-No Whip-Mocha. I quickly rolled up my window and went back to listening to Dick Gordon and The Story on NPR. I got to the window and the girl took my credit card and then proceeded to ask me "So, what do you have exciting going on today?"
And that is the moment I realized I had become someone new. I could no longer smile and join in. I couldn't take it. I said "I'm listening to this," and pointed at my car stereo. She awkwardly responded "Oh..you're listening" the word listening trailing off as she tried to look busy until my asshole coffee could be delivered to me. I thanked her for my coffee, felt a twinge of guilt with a side order of indignant justification and headed down the road.
Yesterday, I avoided Starbucks entirely. I simply could not subject myself to the torture. I actually parked my car and went into Fred Meyer to get a Tully's 16 oz nonfat-decaf-no whip-mocha. But as I took the first sip, I was flooded with emotion...I LOVE my Starbucks.Grande.Non.Fat.Decaf.No.Whip.Mocha (SGNFDNWM) and I missed it terribly. I seriously considered throwing out my Tully's crappy excuse for a mocha and head out on a search for another Starbucks where hopefully they wouldn't be so friendly, but I had no time.
This, my friends, brings us to this morning. As I reached my turn at the ordering screen, the strangest thing I have ever heard came from the nameless, faceless speaker: "Hi!! Welcome to Starbucks..my name is (pick a name because I can't remember anything prior to the next sentence)..Where are you headed out there this morning?"
....
....
Wha?
I know I made the face that goes with that. I scowled..a million thoughts raced through my head beginning with "I have to stop loving Starbucks Coffee..I have to quit you Starbucks.." I then considered uttering "work" to the speaker..but I couldn't - I COULDN'T do it. After a LONG uncomfortable pause and quite possible slow shaking of my head, I said, "Can I get a Grande NonFat Decaf No Whip Mocha?"
To which speaker girl repeated what I said and then said "Okay!! That'll be 3.87 and we'll have a challenge for you at the window!!!"
I know I stared in disbelief at the speaker. I know I may have said out loud "A what? A challenge? A challenge...Oh hell no. No challenge for me at the window..unless that challenge is to jump ship on this drive-thru by tearing up and over the curb right here, right now and risk running over the Bullshead Pub Cow as I try to enter Eagle Road from the grassy knoll", as I rolled up my window and drove to the next position in line.
At this point I began madly texting several friends and opted to continue texting as I entered the actual human-money-coffee exchange portal.
I escaped with my delicious mocha and no one offered me Starbucks Trivia, a Magic Show, a personal drive-thru viewing of the Fall Grinder/Mug/Saucer specials nor even the upcoming Christmas CD. I was elated as I drove down the highway.
I called my good friend Suzanne to tell her of insane, unwanted and unwarranted friendliness.
Suzanne replied with "Oh hey..you do know the speaker/order board now has a camera don't you?"
I will spend tomorrow cleaning up the Mocha I spit all over my steering wheel.
I'm thinking it's time to buy a really good coffee maker. ;-)
ReplyDeleteOh my GOD, this literally made me laugh out loud. I have made that complaint before too. When I am shopping somewhere, I am not there to make friends. I don't want to strike up a conversation about anything other than, "$5.87, please," and MAYBE, "Have a nice day." Awesome.
ReplyDeleteAs a former green apron wearing flunkie, let me let you in on a little secret. They HAVE to be that friendly and in your face. I actually finally knew it was time to quit my beloved job at Starbucks when I was three monhs pregnant and had horrible morning sickness. It was roughly five am on a weekday when a non-regular customer came in. We exchanged the normal Starbucks convo. "Hi! How are you!?! Can I get you an over priced, unhealthy breakfast item that is labeled 'reduced' fat so you think it's healthy?" "I'm great, but no. Just the slightly above average tasting, over priced black coffee that you dump gallons of down the drain every day, thanks." "Awesome! That'll be enough to feed a malnourished child in South America for the day, please! HAVE A GREAT DAY!" Obviously, not what was said, but you get the gist. Well... he walked over to the other side of the counter, and told my co-worker that he didn't think I was being genuine enough when I told him to have a great day. No shit. Honestly, I have never wanted to dump hot coffee on a grown man's head more. A grown woman's, yes, but that's a different story. So, later that day, my manager heard about this, and called me into the back room to talk to me about it, which translates to bitch at me for not being chipper enough. That was when I gave my notice and got the rest of my shifts covered, because I will do a lot of things for a paycheck, but deny my snarky nature is just not one of them. Also why I failed as a Mary Kay lady. Anyway, I promise the barista doesn't give a shit where you're going. She's just trying not to catch flack. I encourage you to have fun with it. Make up random stuff to tell them. Get inside their heads. But don't stop drinking your coffee because of it. Caffiene is a necessary part of your day. Why should it be mediocre?
ReplyDeleteOh I know! The poor employees are FORCED to be happy like this. I feel for em. The sad part about me in all of this is that I gave up caffeine months ago..I cannot give up my routine nor flavor however. Addictions run deep. Poor SB's peeps. Management needs a kick in the ass.
ReplyDeleteCome on- make a game out of it. Think of a different thing to tell them every morning-
ReplyDeleteLike "meeting my parole officer and I am already late"
or "anger managememnt class"
or
"A lunch date with David Letterman"
Don't give up- join the game!!!!
Stalkerbucks, FTW! I LOVELOVELOVE the idea of messing with them! You should totally make stuff up to tell them in the drive thru and make faces into the camera while doing it! Mwahahahahahaha!!!!
ReplyDelete"Oh, I'm running away to join the circus."
ReplyDelete"I'm going to meet my internet preditor date."
"I'm off to my dialysis appointment, thank god you're close to the hospital, this coffee's really going to send me into a diabetic coma."
"I'm off to file for bankruptcy. You take credit cards, right?"
"I'm off to meet the mother ship for my ride home."
"I'm going to get my feet scraped."
"I'm going to get my back waxed."
"I'm going to throw up on the pavement between here and the window, will that be okay?"
"Yes, that's right, decaf. But, could leave room in the cup for about 1/2 gram of cocaine?"
Beth! I love the "I'm going to throw up on the pavement between here and the window" option. It actually almost happened one day with Elise!
ReplyDelete